Perfectionism is often described as having high standards, wanting everything to be just right, or being afraid to make mistakes. But for many gifted and twice-exceptional (2e) learners, perfectionism can be debilitating.

I work with children who become so overwhelmed by their own expectations that they struggle to begin an assignment, even when they understand the material. Others spend hours revising work that was already completed, become intensely self-critical over small mistakes, or experience significant anxiety when their work doesn’t match what they envisioned. For some, the distress can lead to tears, frustration, avoidance, or complete shutdown.

These reactions aren’t simply a matter of mindset. A child who is overwhelmed by the possibility of making a mistake may not be able to move forward just because an adult tells them that mistakes are part of learning. Even reassurance that their work is excellent may do little to relieve the anxiety they’re experiencing.

Why Perfectionism Can Be Particularly Challenging for Gifted and 2e Learners

For some gifted children, there can be a significant difference between what they envision and what they are able to produce. A child may have an elaborate story in mind but struggle to get it onto paper, or picture an intricate art project that their developing motor skills can’t yet reproduce. For twice-exceptional learners, differences in executive functioning, written expression, processing, or other areas can make these experiences even more frustrating.

The learning environment can also contribute. Assignments with unclear expectations, limited opportunities for revision, public comparisons, and an emphasis on grades or performance can increase anxiety for children who already place considerable pressure on themselves.

And perfectionism doesn’t always look like what adults expect. A learner who refuses to start an assignment, repeatedly asks for reassurance, avoids unfamiliar activities, or becomes upset over a seemingly minor mistake may be experiencing significant distress.

What Can Parents and Educators Do?

Helping children manage perfectionism begins with understanding what is contributing to their struggles.

Is the child having difficulty getting started? Are they overwhelmed by the number of ideas they have? Do they lack the skills to produce what they envision? Are they worried about how others will judge their work? Or have classroom expectations made mistakes feel especially consequential?

The answers will vary from child to child.

For some learners, breaking an assignment into smaller steps can make getting started easier. Others benefit from talking through their ideas before writing, having opportunities to revise their work, or learning to adjust the amount of effort they put into different tasks. Parents and teachers can also help by reducing unnecessary public comparisons and giving children choices about whether to display or share their work.

We also need to recognize that perfectionism can affect children well beyond their academic performance. It can interfere with creativity, friendships, emotional well-being, and their willingness to try something new.

Eliza and the Beauty of Imperfect Stars: A Free Resource

I originally wrote Eliza and the Beauty of Imperfect Stars for a doctoral course on social and emotional development, after seeing several examples of debilitating perfectionism among the profoundly gifted children I work with.

Thinking about the benefits of bibliotherapy, I wanted to create a story that children could recognize themselves in, while introducing practical strategies that parents and teachers could use to help.

Eliza is a young girl who loves earning gold stars but struggles with mistakes, creative projects, and knowing when her work is good enough. With support from her parents and teacher, she begins learning strategies to manage her perfectionism, including adjusting her level of effort, breaking tasks into smaller steps, and taking creative risks.

The illustrated story includes a Parent & Teacher Guide with five research-based practical strategies for helping children manage perfectionism at home and school.

I’m sharing it here as a free resource for families and educators.

Download Eliza and the Beauty of Imperfect Stars (Free PDF)